I wish I was a 1950s housewife. Which is maybe a really anti-feminist statement for me to make, but sometimes I just really wish I didn’t have to worry about being educated or getting a job and that my biggest achievement in life would be raising a hoard of beautiful children (something I do genuinely wish to do), and throwing really killer parties. I feel like I’m just way more equipped to spend 8 hours cooking and preening and cleaning and aligning everything into perfection for a two hour dinner party than I am for spending the same amount of time in an office. I’m pretty good at being domestic–otherwise, I’m kind of lazy.
But sometimes I wonder if there is a difference between laziness and fear. It’s easy for a woman to be a housewife. Maybe psychologically draining, but it’s something that we’ve been doing for countless decades. It’s something that there are clear guidelines and expectations for, its easy to fit into that kind of mold because there’s definitely an established standard for it. To work, and enjoy it, you have to figure out everything on your own. It’s different for every single person–what I want to do, how I want to do it, what I’m willing to compromise, what I know I need to succeed–These are all things I just have to figure out through trial and error. And that kind of process involves failure. And failure is terrifying.
But you know, so far this FWT I haven’t fucked up too bad. I fucked up the other couple times probably, but this time I feel like I really did well for myself. I was working from home, which was both good and bad. Good, because it was on my terms–less expectations to fail at, less pressure. Bad, because it made me even lazier. Not at tasks, I have done my work well, but at life. The laundry is unfolded, nothing is cleaned, I haven’t done dishes this whole time and just left it for others…I say I want to be a housewife, but here I am slipping in all of these domestic tasks because I am just sitting around in the house all day and feel like I don’t want to deal with it.
I really want to be able to find balance within myself as a worker. I want to be able to, and know I need to, provide for my family. But I also desperately want a family. I want to be able to spend time with my future children and spouse, and maintain a household that we can all feel comfortable in and proud of. I want to have my own hobbies and enjoy my life while being a wife, mother, and employee. But it’s like literally impossible, especially for a lazy person. My biggest fear is that I will never be able to get the balance right and just give up on stuff–I already do that, devoting all my free time to stuff like television instead of creative pursuits I used to treasure just because I can’t find the motivation.
At least this experience has felt far more like a step in the right direction than anything before it. At least now I feel like I am capable of being a worker at all, when I was beginning to fear that might not be the case. I just need to learn to adjust expectations. No body is perfect. Just expect the possible and be proud of what you do. That’s what this FWT has taught me.